The ex-factor: Is it attainable to stay mates along with your former flame?

They are saying when one door closes, it needs to be stored closed. Does that imply exes and friendships are no-nos?

A Canadian-Portuguese poet as soon as wistfully mentioned: Flames to mud, lovers to mates, why do all good issues come to an finish? For the longest time, the tip of a relationship meant “so lengthy, farewell, auf Wiedersehen, goodbye”. But when love’s an open door, should it stay closed after the love has gone? I’d wish to suppose that it’s attainable to stay mates along with your exes, although I’m most likely within the minority…

The story of us

I’m most likely not one of the best individual to speak about this. See, I haven’t been in loads of relationships. And even after breaking apart, I’m nonetheless capable of keep good standing with my exes. So my reply can be within the affirmative. That’s till just lately when my newest ex stopped responding to my texts. What sparked the change? Earlier than this, we have been pleasant to one another. They’d ship me humorous movies and memes, and I’d drop a random textual content about celeb goss or spilling some tea. We have been on pleasant phrases with one another. Or so I assumed. Now I’m standing alone in a crowded room and we’re not talking…

To be truthful, this isn’t the primary time that’s occurred. The opposite ex – the one earlier than this – additionally ghosted me after being on speaking phrases for a while. I used to be assured it wasn’t me. However now, after a two for 2? I’m having second ideas. So, being the curious cat I’m (meow), I made a decision to slink round and discover out if it’s attainable to stay mates with an ex. Maybe no matter I’ve gathered would possibly change my perspective too.

We’re by no means ever ever getting again collectively

Once I first pitched this text and the explanation behind it, I received a few “oh nos” (empathically, not in a shady method). “I believe it’s exhausting to remain mates,” Ashe, my fellow author, mentioned. I’m uncertain if I’m being optimistic or naive, however both approach, I refused to consider – and settle for – it. Such stubbornness!

My journey down the rabbit gap began with the best process: a fast search on Dr Google. The outcome spewed quite a few articles, starting from the how-tos and when to remain mates along with your ex to the why. Some suppose items date all the way in which again to 2012! Clearly, this can be a story as previous as time.

In line with a Forbes article, a psychologist suggests asking your self three issues earlier than selecting to stay mates with a former lover. In the meantime, Vox lists a plan to prep you, in case you determine to proceed being in your ex’s life (and vice versa). To this point, every thing seems to be promising. We’re off to a beneficial begin.

Subsequent, I posed the query to individuals I do know. Unsurprisingly, nearly everybody responded no. In line with my sister, it’s “not good in your psychological, emotional, and bodily well being”. Monetary well being will not be affected, apparently. Smart phrases, however I’m nonetheless not budging from my stance.

I made a decision to go larger for the sake of this text. Go large or go residence, proper? So I put the query up on our Instagram tales and Telegram channel. The outcomes have been neck and neck. 42% on Instagram have been cut up between no and perhaps; over on Telegram, 41% of voters picked no, whereas 42% mentioned perhaps. Whereas comforted by the ‘perhaps’ votes, I discovered myself wavering just a little bit. Is it me? Am I the drama, in search of pointless bother in my love life?

Simply one other image to burn

My quest for solutions led me to Major Avenue Commissary, a quaint cafe and curatorial artwork area in Jalan Besar. It was working The Ex-hibition, in collaboration with Sincerely, Singles, showcasing themes of affection, loss, and longing in its bittersweet nature.

The primary set up that grabbed my consideration was a pc setup. ‘Texts From Exes’ was a digital assortment of previous messages from exes that have been submitted to the organisers. The messages different, from ones that wished one another properly to others that uncovered the final battle some former {couples} have been concerned in.

The following show was known as ‘Letters To My Ex’. Cafe-goers have been invited to contribute by placing up their previous letters or writing a message on the spot. The peg board overflowed with notes. One assertion learn: “Hope you mild up somebody’s life just like the flames of hell.” Yikes.

On the cafe entrance, I noticed two packing containers the place everybody might dump their mementoes and previous reminiscences. events might sift by way of and take residence something they fancied. “I wouldn’t take something, man,” my good friend claimed. “A lot unhealthy juju.”

The Ex-hibition left me amused, but in addition just a little weirded out. It’s like a site visitors accident – you’re instructed to not look, however you possibly can’t cease your self. It didn’t assist that once I was there, a few individuals have been intensely scrutinising every thing. Each. Factor. “Oh, this was written so properly!” “I’m going to steal this concept for myself.” I needed to dip out of the place.

I made a decision to succeed in out to the cafe for his or her ideas on this perennial challenge. “I actually suppose you possibly can (stay mates), however whether or not it’s best to is an entire different dialogue,” mentioned Daphne Ling, proprietor of Major Avenue Commissary. Properly, that’s comforting to listen to.

Are we out of the woods?

My romantic relationships have all ended peacefully. There’s no drama concerned, other than the flood of tears. And finally, we’re capable of meet once more as mates. It really works for me as a result of we received to know one another platonically earlier than turning into romantically concerned. It wouldn’t have labored if we didn’t have friendship as our basis.

I did think about hitting up my exes and asking them what occurred to us, however I ended myself. We’re not even collectively collectively anymore; we’re solely mates! And if our friendship has run its course, that’s it. You’ll be able to’t drive somebody to do one thing in the event that they’re less than it.

So, have my ideas modified? Not likely – I nonetheless consider it’s attainable to remain mates along with your exes. That is the hill I’m prepared to die on. However, as Daphne talked about, whether or not it’s best to is one other factor altogether. If issues ended on a bitter observe or crimson flags like abuse have been a part of the equation, remaining mates is out of the query.

On the finish of the day, the choice lies with you. If you may make it work with out catching emotions once more, why not?